This Breakup Taught Me I Am Whole All On My Own

On July 17th, 2017 I did the necessary, on a hot Saturday afternoon teary eyed and stressed I gathered the courage to leave my two year relationship. It was finally time, time to put me first, time to step out in faith, time to take back my life. This was a man I was so incredibly in love with, this was a man whom together with him, i’d plan my future with, so why on earth was I ending it? To be honest, behind the occasional happy smiles and the far and few between happy times was a lot of pain and toxicity, there was a lot of hurt and destruction.

I had grown to love a man who didn’t love himself and in turn wasn’t sure how to love me. He tried, he tried with everything in him but when you’ve grown up in love you understand that there is a standard, you understand that there are things that are acceptable and unacceptable and you understand what is and isn’t love. A lot of what I went through in this relationship wasn’t love and it was time to get up from the table because love was no longer being served.

I realized I lost so much of who I was, I spent more energy trying to save us than I did enjoying us. Friends who knew me, knew I was losing myself, I wasn’t that strong go-getting, “boss ass bitch “as one so eloquently put it. I needed to find me again, I needed to lose the security of this painful relationship and venture out into my own world.

Within a week of ending things between us I had multiple wins professionally just rolling out one after another, in less than a week I had found my own place, paid my first and last rent and began moving stuff in slowly. That was God and God alone because, that to me was always impossible, all the things I was told I couldn’t or should do by my ex, I was doing, I wanted to move out plenty of times previously but the controlling side of him would tell me I shouldn’t, I couldn’t afford it and It didn’t make sense. What didn’t make sense was staying in a place that was toxic and detrimental to my health.

So often we hear that all the greatest things in life are outside our comfort zone and its true, but I was comfortable and getting comfortable there was a bad idea. It was a place where I was stagnant, there was a lack of inspiration there and even more pain than imaginable. 

The damage done in this relationship ran deep, and while it takes two to tango, I let a man who didn’t know where he was going or what he was doing take the lead. There seemed like such a long road ahead of me of recovery but that wasn’t necessarily the case. Upon leaving I immediately started seeing a therapist, I had a weekly standing appointment because the most important person in this world to me is me and I neglected her, forgot about her and put her on the back burner for two long years.

Too busy trying to save my failing relationship I was saving my ex from himself (substance abuse and so much more), saving our relationship from failing all while drowning. MY questions always was, if I am saving you and you’re saving you, who is saving me? The truth was I needed to come to my own rescue, I needed to think of me first and put me first.

I did that and in less than a week all the impossibles in my life became possible, living on my own, paying my own rent, finding money and time for therapy, and even finally going to do simple things like filling much needed prescriptions. I finally filled prescriptions i’ve had since November 2016, my health even took a backseat to him.

So now here I am a rose who took the courage to walk away from bad soil, no water, and little light and i’m replanting and starting over. I have moments where I cry, the truth was that in the weeks following the break up I was still in love with him and I was really just figuring it all out.
The possible only seems impossible to people who don’t want to see you flourish, so here I am single, and whole all on my own. So much has already happened and so much more will transpire